I wrote this November 22, 2009 and at the time, it was too personal for me to post, but after writing my post from today (January 23, 2010) I am ready now. It really is amazing how the Lord takes care of us when we rely on Him. Everything worked out - and for the best. Miracles happen. A few days ago Brian called me and he sounded a little choked up. He asked me a strange question, "Honey, did you just call Dr. Laura?" I laughed and asked him what that was all about. He told me about a lady who called Dr. Laura in tears because she was having a hysterectomy in a few days and her life was so crazy that she hadn't had a chance to deal with all of the emotional issues and the finality of it. My husband was almost in tears because he really thought it was me and he felt horrible that I had felt like I couldn't talk to him and had called Dr. Laura. It was very sweet and I am blessed to have such a good man. He has held me in his arms, and stroked my hair, while I have had tears streaming down my face. He has given me comfort and love when I have needed it during these past few months of pain and decision.
Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you look at it - stress
is a distraction) since I decided two months ago that a hysterectomy is the only option for my health problems, my life has been totally crazy. We put our house up for sale and it was under contract two days later. We really didn't think it would sell until the springtime and we were going to take it off the market before my surgery. So, we've spent the last few weeks packing, searching for a new house, and hoping that the sale of our house will go through even though the sellers keep trying to extend their due diligence and financing/appraisal deadlines. Already there have been 6 addendums added to the buyer's contract. We are supposed to close and be moved out of our house less than a week after my surgery. We really want to move and we love the house we have chosen and I am trying not to worry about it. I'm trying to have faith that it will all work out.
It has been more stress than we anticipated and I haven't had a chance to work through the issues and emotions of having my uterus removed - mostly the finality of never being able to become pregnant again. I'm sure the reality of it all will all come crashing down on me on this week when I am laying in a hospital bed and my uterus is in some hospital waste disposal bag somewhere. What I have to try to remember is that I know it is the right thing to do. I made this decision after much prayer and fasting. My body is the way it is for a reason even though I don't know what that reason is. I am not happy about it. It isn't what I would have chosen for myself, but I am willing to submit to the Lord. I know it will all work out. I feel a sense of urgency about it. I feel that something really bad will happen to me if I don't do this soon. I feel like I won't survive another pregnancy. We weren't planning on it for awhile, but we were planning to have one more baby.
I wanted one more baby. I wanted a baby with Brian's eyes. I know it sounds silly, but I really did. I love Brian's eyes. It was his eyes that sparked our first conversation about marriage. One Thanksgiving, many years ago, we were cuddling on the couch in my apartment looking into each other's eyes. I was thinking about what our children would look like and I pictured them with dark hair, dark skin, and beautiful, sparkling, green eyes like Brian. For some reason I blurted out, "I hope our children have your eyes," and then
my eyes got really big, I blushed and put my hand over my mouth. I couldn't believe I had said that out loud. I will always remember Brian's smile and how he explained the genetic scientific probability of it. Then he said, "So, you've been thinking about us that way too." And the rest is history.
I am so grateful for my three beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed children. I love my children. They are wonderful. Each of them is different and special in their own way. They make me smile, laugh, and cry. I love being their mother. It is one of the greatest blessings in my life. Being a mother has it's challenges, but it is worth it. I am so proud of Sammy for overcoming obstacles and learning how to read. Joshy is a sweet little boy. He always gives me hugs and kisses and when he's in a good mood he can brighten the room and make everyone smile. Holly is a fiesty little thing, but she's also snuggly and sweet. She has a lot of personality, the boys do too. Our family has a lot of fun together. It's a dream come true.
It has been a blessing that they look like me. It has been one of the tender mercies of the Lord. Most people would probably be shocked to learn this about me, but I have always struggled with poor self esteem and poor self image - maybe even self loathing at times. They have helped me realize my own beauty. From about the time I was 6 until a year or so after Sammy was born, I had a very negative self image, so much so that it has been a detriment to my spirit and my attitude about life. For years I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I picked out all of my faults - my nose, my eyebrows, my skin, my hair. It became worse when I went to BYU and all the girls were so perfect, skinny, and wore designer clothes. I always thought I was lucky that Brian saw past my boring appearance and my thrift shop clothes.
Sammy changed all of that for me. Everyone, even strangers, would comment on how gorgeous he is. A few strangers have even asked if they could take a picture with him because he is so cute. I remember a specific moment, while watching our wedding video - the one we played at our reception with pictures from our childhood up until we met. Family members watched and said, "Sammy looks just like you!" It hit me. They were right. He does look just like me. He is gorgeous, so I must be beautiful too. If he had dark hair, dark skin, and green eyes like Brian, I never would have realized that about myself and that has been a huge blessing. I don't even think about my image anymore. I don't love myself when I look in the mirror yet, but I don't hate myself either. I don't even think about it. I get myself ready and sometimes I even think that I look pretty and I am amazed by it and I wonder how it happened.
Still, I am left feeling a little like my body is broken and it is hard to deal with it in the craziness and confusion of packing and moving. I know that the issues with my body will work out and that it is God's will. I don't know if our move will work out and I'm stressed about that. Brian and I both really want to move. We really hope the sale of our house goes through and that we are making the right decisions. It's tough making all of these huge decisions at once. I want to pull my hair out! I just have to keep thinking, "It will be okay. It will be okay. Calm down. Breathe."
This is going to be one crazy week, one Thanksgiving we will always remember - not for the feast, but for all that happened surrounding it. When I don't let myself feel scared, I have comfort and peace in my heart. Brian and my brothers are going to give me a priesthood blessing tonight. I know everything is going to be okay. I'm just walking forward with faith relying upon the Lord and knowing that he'll take care of me, my family, and our housing situation one way or another. I have never depended so much on Him, but I know He's there. It really is going to be okay.
Sammy turned 7!
