It's been awhile....

I admit that I have not been keeping up with this blog very well. I sometimes go through periods of feeling self conscious and I don't feel like putting my life out there for all to read about and possibly criticize. I realized today that maybe doing this blog will be somewhat cathartic and help someone else too.

I googled something today and a stranger's blog came up (http://prettyorganizedpalace.blogspot.com/) and just reading it gave me a boost. The post was about being a stay at home mom and how it is the most important job. I believe that and I am grateful that Brian is able to support our family financially on his income alone so that I can stay at home. However, I have had times when I have wished that I had studied something like law or medicine. I know I could've done it and I would have been good at it too. I think I would have received great satisfaction from a job well done and pats on the back through reviews, bonuses, raises, even a fat paycheck. Being a stay at home mom is hard. It's really tough. It's really, really, really hard. It is teaching me a lot about being unselfish. I don't have time to think about myself - or even shower for that matter. It seems that I am always running to and fro getting something for the kids every five minutes, making dinner, cleaning up messes, doing laundry, feeding, the baby, answering the phone or the door, and countless other things. It can be emotionall and physically exhausting. But I know it is the most important thing I will ever do in my life, and although it is hard, there will be huge payoffs in the future. And for now, I am paid with hugs and kisses. I am paid with the simple satisfaction of knowing that nobody can replace me. My calling in my life is to be the mother of my children. And they need me.

I turned 30 yesterday and the week leading up to my birthday was a rough one. I think I cried my eyes out 3 nights in a row. My poor, sweet husband is so loving and supportive. He helps me tremendously with the burdens I bare in raising our boys. We recently found out that both Sammy and Josh have ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. While I love my boys and they are very sweet at times, being their mother is extremely demanding and very tiring. It is a constant battle to keep peace in my home because Sammy and Josh tease and fight with each other almost nonstop. If they are in the same room together it is likely that one of them is bothering the other and the other is yelling, hitting, or whining. I am a constant conflict manager. I never imagined my home would be like this. I try to do everything I am supposed to do. I make healthy meals and snacks with whole grains, fruits and vegetables. I try to limit sugar intake. I limit tv and video game time. I read to my children daily and encourage them to play with toys that spark creativity and imagination (dress up, Legos, blocks, painting, puzzles, drawing, etc.). Having my kids behave the way they do often makes me feel like a failure, when I work really really hard to be a good mother and give them the things they need by way of time an attention.

It's frustrating when I read literature that suggests that ADHD and ODD are caused by poor parenting in oneway or another. It increases my feelings of failure and it isn't true. It's genetic and it is something that will last the rest of their lives. It is also seriously misunderstood in the eyes of the public. I'm trying to learn more about it and as I do, I will share.