Decisions and Dr. Laura...

I wrote this November 22, 2009 and at the time, it was too personal for me to post, but after writing my post from today (January 23, 2010) I am ready now. It really is amazing how the Lord takes care of us when we rely on Him. Everything worked out - and for the best. Miracles happen.

A few days ago Brian called me and he sounded a little choked up. He asked me a strange question, "Honey, did you just call Dr. Laura?" I laughed and asked him what that was all about. He told me about a lady who called Dr. Laura in tears because she was having a hysterectomy in a few days and her life was so crazy that she hadn't had a chance to deal with all of the emotional issues and the finality of it. My husband was almost in tears because he really thought it was me and he felt horrible that I had felt like I couldn't talk to him and had called Dr. Laura. It was very sweet and I am blessed to have such a good man. He has held me in his arms, and stroked my hair, while I have had tears streaming down my face. He has given me comfort and love when I have needed it during these past few months of pain and decision.



Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you look at it - stress is a distraction) since I decided two months ago that a hysterectomy is the only option for my health problems, my life has been totally crazy. We put our house up for sale and it was under contract two days later. We really didn't think it would sell until the springtime and we were going to take it off the market before my surgery. So, we've spent the last few weeks packing, searching for a new house, and hoping that the sale of our house will go through even though the sellers keep trying to extend their due diligence and financing/appraisal deadlines. Already there have been 6 addendums added to the buyer's contract. We are supposed to close and be moved out of our house less than a week after my surgery. We really want to move and we love the house we have chosen and I am trying not to worry about it. I'm trying to have faith that it will all work out.



It has been more stress than we anticipated and I haven't had a chance to work through the issues and emotions of having my uterus removed - mostly the finality of never being able to become pregnant again. I'm sure the reality of it all will all come crashing down on me on this week when I am laying in a hospital bed and my uterus is in some hospital waste disposal bag somewhere. What I have to try to remember is that I know it is the right thing to do. I made this decision after much prayer and fasting. My body is the way it is for a reason even though I don't know what that reason is. I am not happy about it. It isn't what I would have chosen for myself, but I am willing to submit to the Lord. I know it will all work out. I feel a sense of urgency about it. I feel that something really bad will happen to me if I don't do this soon. I feel like I won't survive another pregnancy. We weren't planning on it for awhile, but we were planning to have one more baby.



I wanted one more baby. I wanted a baby with Brian's eyes. I know it sounds silly, but I really did. I love Brian's eyes. It was his eyes that sparked our first conversation about marriage. One Thanksgiving, many years ago, we were cuddling on the couch in my apartment looking into each other's eyes. I was thinking about what our children would look like and I pictured them with dark hair, dark skin, and beautiful, sparkling, green eyes like Brian. For some reason I blurted out, "I hope our children have your eyes," and then my eyes got really big, I blushed and put my hand over my mouth. I couldn't believe I had said that out loud. I will always remember Brian's smile and how he explained the genetic scientific probability of it. Then he said, "So, you've been thinking about us that way too." And the rest is history.



I am so grateful for my three beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed children. I love my children. They are wonderful. Each of them is different and special in their own way. They make me smile, laugh, and cry. I love being their mother. It is one of the greatest blessings in my life. Being a mother has it's challenges, but it is worth it. I am so proud of Sammy for overcoming obstacles and learning how to read. Joshy is a sweet little boy. He always gives me hugs and kisses and when he's in a good mood he can brighten the room and make everyone smile. Holly is a fiesty little thing, but she's also snuggly and sweet. She has a lot of personality, the boys do too. Our family has a lot of fun together. It's a dream come true.



It has been a blessing that they look like me. It has been one of the tender mercies of the Lord. Most people would probably be shocked to learn this about me, but I have always struggled with poor self esteem and poor self image - maybe even self loathing at times. They have helped me realize my own beauty. From about the time I was 6 until a year or so after Sammy was born, I had a very negative self image, so much so that it has been a detriment to my spirit and my attitude about life. For years I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I picked out all of my faults - my nose, my eyebrows, my skin, my hair. It became worse when I went to BYU and all the girls were so perfect, skinny, and wore designer clothes. I always thought I was lucky that Brian saw past my boring appearance and my thrift shop clothes.



Sammy changed all of that for me. Everyone, even strangers, would comment on how gorgeous he is. A few strangers have even asked if they could take a picture with him because he is so cute. I remember a specific moment, while watching our wedding video - the one we played at our reception with pictures from our childhood up until we met. Family members watched and said, "Sammy looks just like you!" It hit me. They were right. He does look just like me. He is gorgeous, so I must be beautiful too. If he had dark hair, dark skin, and green eyes like Brian, I never would have realized that about myself and that has been a huge blessing. I don't even think about my image anymore. I don't love myself when I look in the mirror yet, but I don't hate myself either. I don't even think about it. I get myself ready and sometimes I even think that I look pretty and I am amazed by it and I wonder how it happened.



Still, I am left feeling a little like my body is broken and it is hard to deal with it in the craziness and confusion of packing and moving. I know that the issues with my body will work out and that it is God's will. I don't know if our move will work out and I'm stressed about that. Brian and I both really want to move. We really hope the sale of our house goes through and that we are making the right decisions. It's tough making all of these huge decisions at once. I want to pull my hair out! I just have to keep thinking, "It will be okay. It will be okay. Calm down. Breathe."



This is going to be one crazy week, one Thanksgiving we will always remember - not for the feast, but for all that happened surrounding it. When I don't let myself feel scared, I have comfort and peace in my heart. Brian and my brothers are going to give me a priesthood blessing tonight. I know everything is going to be okay. I'm just walking forward with faith relying upon the Lord and knowing that he'll take care of me, my family, and our housing situation one way or another. I have never depended so much on Him, but I know He's there. It really is going to be okay.

Changes...

It has been months since I have posted. Since May, I think? I am not going to catch up, but I will say that life is very good. As far as the ADHD, we have it under control. Sammy and Josh are doing so well. Their medication has made a huge difference. Sammy is doing very well in school. He is reading above grade level and he consistently gets all of the words right on his weekly spelling tests. There is no longer the struggle to do homework or sit down with a book and read. He can focus and concentrate. It is a miracle. I am so proud of him. Joshy is doing very well too. He is much less moody and demanding. I have my happy boy back. Some may be skeptical about medication, and you can judge me, but I don't care. My boys are happy and doing well. I have peace in my home again.

Holly is a beautiful almost 11 month old. She has strawberry blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. She bring such a sweet and happy spirit into our home. We love her so much.

Now for the changes. A month ago we decided to update our kitchen. We had pink formica countertops and natural oak cabinets. We peeled off the formica and laid down black, granite tile. We put in a slate brick tile back splask. And we painted the cabinets white. It's like a new kitchen.

I don't have a "before" picture, but trust me, the pink countertops were bad.

We have been thinking about selling our house for awhile for many reasons. One being that interest rates are really low right now making it a great time to upgrade. We decided to list it this week, but only for 30 days. It was on the MLS for 2 days and 1 couple looked at it and is making an offer that we are considering. Holy cow! That happened so fast. If it all works out, we will need to find a different house soon. And we aren't even sure where we should look.

I am also scheduled to have surgery during the week of Thanksgiving. I have been having some problems and I have decided to have a hysterectomy. It was a very hard decision to make, but I know it is the right thing to do. It's wierd that so many big decisions are happening right now.

I know that everything will work out. I know that the Lord has His hand in our lives right now and I know that He will guide us.

Vacation Pictures!

My family with Tigger.

My boys and my husband LOVE the Lego Store in Downtown Disney!

Fun times making silly pictures with cousins.

Brian and the boys in front of the castle at night.

We drove down to Carlsbad to visit Scott & Leslie. This is Brian and I at the beach. Thanks to Scott for taking this picture of us.

Me and my buddy, Josh. I love his smile!

So, Things are Getting Better...

I have been so busy that I haven't had a chance to keep up with this blog. We just got back from a quick, and much needed, vacation to California. We went to Disneyland for a day, the beach for a day with Brian's brother Scott and their boys, and then back to Disneyland with my brother, Joe, and his family. Wow! It was so much fun! I feel like we pressed a restart button for my little family. We've been so stressed and fighting so much with the kids lately that it was awesome to get away from it all and just go and have fun. We stayed at a hotel with comfy beds and a full breakfast bar in the morning. I got a break from cleaning anf doing laundry for 5 days! And I had a chance to really pay attention to Sam and Josh and notice how the ADHD medication affects them. With Sammy, it definately helps with his impulsiveness and crazy wild rowdiness. It calms him down. However, with Josh, I noticed that he just seemed sad and he wasn't the same old happy Joshy until his medication wore off. So, yesterday I didn't give him the Adderall and I really paid attention to his mood and he was better. So I'm a little confused about Josh. I think I'll just not give him the medication for now and see how he is. Maybe he was just responding to Sammy's craziness.

Anyways, we all had a great time! The boys were so brave. They even rode Grizzly Rapids! They went to the Haunted Mansion and the Tiki Room and they were scared of those the last time we went to D Land. We love Disneyland. I'll post some pictures later.

I'm just glad to be back to our happy family again.

It's been awhile....

I admit that I have not been keeping up with this blog very well. I sometimes go through periods of feeling self conscious and I don't feel like putting my life out there for all to read about and possibly criticize. I realized today that maybe doing this blog will be somewhat cathartic and help someone else too.

I googled something today and a stranger's blog came up (http://prettyorganizedpalace.blogspot.com/) and just reading it gave me a boost. The post was about being a stay at home mom and how it is the most important job. I believe that and I am grateful that Brian is able to support our family financially on his income alone so that I can stay at home. However, I have had times when I have wished that I had studied something like law or medicine. I know I could've done it and I would have been good at it too. I think I would have received great satisfaction from a job well done and pats on the back through reviews, bonuses, raises, even a fat paycheck. Being a stay at home mom is hard. It's really tough. It's really, really, really hard. It is teaching me a lot about being unselfish. I don't have time to think about myself - or even shower for that matter. It seems that I am always running to and fro getting something for the kids every five minutes, making dinner, cleaning up messes, doing laundry, feeding, the baby, answering the phone or the door, and countless other things. It can be emotionall and physically exhausting. But I know it is the most important thing I will ever do in my life, and although it is hard, there will be huge payoffs in the future. And for now, I am paid with hugs and kisses. I am paid with the simple satisfaction of knowing that nobody can replace me. My calling in my life is to be the mother of my children. And they need me.

I turned 30 yesterday and the week leading up to my birthday was a rough one. I think I cried my eyes out 3 nights in a row. My poor, sweet husband is so loving and supportive. He helps me tremendously with the burdens I bare in raising our boys. We recently found out that both Sammy and Josh have ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. While I love my boys and they are very sweet at times, being their mother is extremely demanding and very tiring. It is a constant battle to keep peace in my home because Sammy and Josh tease and fight with each other almost nonstop. If they are in the same room together it is likely that one of them is bothering the other and the other is yelling, hitting, or whining. I am a constant conflict manager. I never imagined my home would be like this. I try to do everything I am supposed to do. I make healthy meals and snacks with whole grains, fruits and vegetables. I try to limit sugar intake. I limit tv and video game time. I read to my children daily and encourage them to play with toys that spark creativity and imagination (dress up, Legos, blocks, painting, puzzles, drawing, etc.). Having my kids behave the way they do often makes me feel like a failure, when I work really really hard to be a good mother and give them the things they need by way of time an attention.

It's frustrating when I read literature that suggests that ADHD and ODD are caused by poor parenting in oneway or another. It increases my feelings of failure and it isn't true. It's genetic and it is something that will last the rest of their lives. It is also seriously misunderstood in the eyes of the public. I'm trying to learn more about it and as I do, I will share.